December moods

December's here, and time is passing strangely. I'm very busy, but sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Before I know it China will be over, and it's back to Manchester! But I don't want to think about that. While I'm in China I'm getting some great experiences. Working for Jazz du Funk is rewarding, and I'm loving being back in the dance world!

Something feels like it's missing though... meh, forget about it, I've got lot's to focus on!

Hey, maybe I should actually write something substantial here... I find blog-writing tricky, because I often write about things that affect me emotionally, and never talk about my day-to-day adventures! I'm the thoughtful type, I suppose. But practice makes perfect, right? So here it goes.

I just got back from dinner with my Fudan classmates, which was kindly sponsored by the school (50RMB a student, which is just £5, but still got us some pretty tasty Xi'an food). Our class is an eclectic bunch, one third Thai, one third Japanese, and the rest a motley mix, including one European, and one me. (I don't know how much of an American I really am anymore, but I'm certainly not European!) We chattered away in Mandarin, Thai, English, and Japanese. Our teacher brought her 9-year-old daughter along, because her father wasn't home that evening to watch her. Half the evening was spent happily eating the "restaurant recommended" dishes (some people refused to eat the frog and tiny fish/eel things), and the other half of the evening was taken up by a favourite Asian past-time: taking photos of ourselves. In as many combinations and poses as we could imagine, and playing around with the camera settings. I look forward to seeing them on Facebook! Afterwards we cheerfully returned to student halls, to rest before 8am class tomorrow. Oh, how difficult is the life of the exchange student! :P

Progress?

Lalala... Well, this blog is now officially my whiney teenager blog, where I get to tell you what I had for lunch and who's holding hands with who after school. I'm moving my more serious, reflective stuff over to here. The first post is the same as the one below, but you have to start somewhere, no? I started blogging as a way to improve my writing, and this one isn't proving to be a very crisp platform for that. But I'll still write here from time to time, even though nobody reads it ;P

I'm growing, and as I grow I move onwards and forwards. Keep the things that work and toss the things that don't! See you in the next round!

A little list

A little list of things I love, on a day when the sky is pressing down on my heart, squeezing the love and joy out for you to see:

The smell of onions frying

Discovering a Chinese word with intricate meaning

Coffee

Vinsetta Boulevard

Autumn weather

Sitting around the fire after caving

The sound of wind through trees

Getting letters, messages, emails, calls from loved ones

Being lucky

When cars drive by at night and their headlamps move across the bedroom walls and ceiling

When you wake up in the night or early morning and realise that it has just snowed, without looking out the window

Heavy rain

The smell of bread baking and flour

When someone spontaneously begins to play an instrument, and they are really good

Finding stationary that I cannot live without

When my photographs are beautiful

A good conversation

The colours plum purple, turquoise, cerulean, verdant yellow-green, sorbet pink, burgundy, navy, cream, and Spanish yellow

Cool things

One: Coldplay is in Manchester November and December! (I won't be there though)

Two: I am the 80,171,768,336th person to live since there were people to count, and when I was born I was number 5,173,941,609 on the planet. (source: BBC News)

Three: Reading lyrics. Passion Pit lyrics are creepy and amazing. here. Check out Moth's Wings, Let Your Love Grow Tall, Sleepyhead, and Seaweed Song.

"I think I see my life
He bows all slyly and gentle-like
He's never had the right
I've never lived without
His sad and jealous eyes"
-Let Your Love Grow Tall

"You come beating like moth's wings
Spastic and violently
Whipping me into a storm
Shaking me down to the core

But you've run away from me
And you've left me shimmering
Like diamond wedding rings
Spinning dizzily down on the floor

But you're just like your father
Buried deep under the water
You're resting on your laurels
And stepping on my toes
Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyways?
Put down your sword and crown
And come lay with me on the ground"
-Moth's Wings

And here is Coldplay's "Princess of China" which also features the vocals of Rihanna:

"Once upon a time, somebody ran
somebody ran away saying:
Fast as I can, I've got to go, I've got to go
Once upon a time, we fell apart
you're holding in your hands
the two halves of my heart, oh oh, oh oh
Once upon a time we're burning bright
but all we ever seem to do is fight
on and on,  and on and on and on
Once upon a time on the same side
once upon a time on the same side of the same game
oh why'd you have to go, have to go and throw it all in my face?
I could have been a princess, you'd be a king
could have had a castle and worn a ring, but no, you let me go
You stole my star, you stole my star
Cause you really hurt me, oh you really hurt me
cause you really hurt me, oh you really hurt me"

To change

This is a tribute to change. To moving onward and forward despite of everything, because you can and you must.

我是一只小小小小鸟

想要飞呀飞却飞也飞不高

我寻寻觅觅寻寻觅觅一个温暖的怀抱

这样的要求算不算太高？

(translation below)

A song by Li Zongsheng that I am appropriating for the state of my heart today. When something really big happens, it is normal to seek solace in the words of others. My heart was shattered, and the rush of emotions that have been washing over me since has left me reeling. I feel like dying and living and dying and living. I feel raw and tender, yet so brittle if you touch me I would break. 

I am like the little bird in the song. I try and try, but it never feels like it's enough. I am only me. Only human. And what is it that I seek? A warm embrace. The song implores: "Is this kind of request too much to ask?" It isn't. It is the most simple thing we could ever ask for, and yet sometimes the hardest thing to find. Love is everywhere, and we can seek it and seek it, but it comes to us without asking, without our permission. And you will never know what it's like until you experience it for yourself. 

Change comes from within ourselves, not from the pressure others place on us. So this is an ode to all of the little birds struggling to fly, struggling to find that one thing they are desperately seeking. You must keep flying, keep searching, keep moving. Move on. 

So that is where I stand today. Tall, on my own two feet, wind at my back, sun shining in my hair. I'm flying with all my might, even if it isn't very high. Because I want to be strong, I want to embody change, to show that I can grow up and move on, that I am mature and capable. Just you try and stop me. 

(Quick and dirty translation:)

I am a tiny, tiny, tiny bird

I want to fly and fly, but when I fly I can't fly high

I'm desperately seeking, seeking one warm embrace

Is this kind of request too much to ask?

Spur of the moment inspiration

I wanted my next post to be a deep and meaningful reflection on China and the life that I'm living here, but I don't have any of my notebooks with me, and I feel the urge to spill my guts anyway. So here's a stream-of-consciousness, half-baked, half-ripe little bit of what's going on on my head.

 I know I'm not the only one chasing China. Why do we do it? What is its draw? Of course, the answer is far more complicated than any one word or phrase. For some, learning Chinese is a gateway to a place that is as far away from "home" as possible. Running away is the motive. People have their own reasons for running away from home. But this is merely running away from something, not toward any particular goal. China is attractive merely in its exoticism and distance. For others, it is much more than that.

 There is the draw of China as a hub of business. There is money to be made here, and industry for developing. With the failing of the Western economies, China is seen as the next step. There is the draw of China's culture. I think this is my motive. Over two thousand years of profound history and culture puts even Europe to shame. When the Europeans were feuding and crusading, China was settled into itself, a rich nation, and self-sufficient. Although it was and still remains an agricultural country, the culture that emerges from the cities and scholars is worth considering. Obviously this country isn't perfect. Every place and people has "flaws". But that's what makes it interesting, no?

 I think today, on this cloudy "Manchester" day, I'm looking for inspiration. If I can't find it in China, where else can I possibly look?

Oh my god, I'm in China again!

That's right people, back in China. It has been a chore and a half trying to get access to Blogger in this country, but here I am. And do I have stuff to share! For the time being I've been keeping a Googlemap of my travels, which is actually more interesting than a blog, I think, so if you follow this blog and want to check it out, let me know and I'll email you the link. Internet speed is a massive issue over here, so uploading photos will be a chore, I think. I'm still not sure where the best place to put them will be, because although Flickr is allowed without having to go through a VPN, I'm not a paying member and can only upload 300MB a month, which works out to 150 photos. Considering that I took 100 only TODAY, that's not going to work. There's Facebook, but again, the VPN plus China internet means upload speed will be slow. I might do that anyway though. With highlights in the blog if it isn't too slow to do. I hope I don't get too busy to keep this up, because this year in Shanghai is going to be EXCITING. And I want to not only experience it, but to share it. SO--I'll go put up some photos! Cheerio for now.

PS-- the new photo at the top is Guanghua Tower on Fudan University campus